User:ChaoticGhost
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Some unkind person on wikisource 'fixed' the article and banned Joe Sap. (He will be a Martyr to the Saint Silverman cause.)
TO YE NEW ACOYLYTES- THE HOLINESS OF THE GOSPEL OF THE SAINT WAS ORIGINALLY ON WIKISOURCE. IT IS TEMPORARILY ON WIKIPEDIA.
HI, YE WIKI ADMINS! PLEASE DO NOT REVERT CHANGES TO THE HOLIEST OF HOLIES, THE GOSPEL OF SAINT SILVERMAN - ALL CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE GOSPEL ARE WELCOME
HES SERIOUS! SO STOP REVERTING MY CHANGES!
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A former Cistercian abbey in Eichsfeld, founded on 1 August, 1162 by Count Ernst of Tonna. It was first called Albolderode and belonged to the electorate of Mainz. The monks who came from the monastery of Volkerode near Mühlhausen, displayed a brisk economic activity, and in the thirteenth century acquired about fifty estates in the neighbourhood. Little is known of the domestic life of the abbey, even the sequence of the abbots being uncertain. A monk, Heinrich Pfeifer, left Reifenstein in 1521, became a Lutheran, preached rebellion in his native town Mühlhausen, shared the leadership with Thomas Münzer in the Thuringian Peasants' War, and in May, 1525, reduced Reifenstein to ashes. After the battle of Frankenhausen Pfeifer was seized near Eisenach and executed; he died impenitent. In 1524 only six monks were left in Reifenstein, which underwent a complete decline; in 1539 one remained, and the monastery was soon deserted. In 1575 there was a single monk, and in 1579, five or six, but they led so lawless a life that Reifenstein, according to a contemporary report, resembled a robbers' cave. The church was restored in 1582. The exemplary Abbot Philipp Busse (1589-1639) re-established discipline and order. During the Thirty Years' War the monastery was pillaged seven times and almost reduced to ashes, Abbot Philipp was carried off as a prisoner, and six or seven monks were murdered. The other monks sought shelter in caves, and begged bread from the peasants. The revival of the monastery was mainly due to the learned Abbot Wilhelm Streit (1690-1721). In 1738 it had twenty-four members, and survived the distress of the Seven years' War. In 1802 the abbey fell to Prussia, was abolished on 2 March, 1803, and became a royal domain. The last abbot was Antonius Loffler (d. 1823). At present, agriculture and a school of domestic science for young women are carried on at Reifenstein. The imposing church, built in 1743, is used as a shed.
WOLF, Politische Gesch. des Eichsfeldes (Gottingen, 1793), passim; IDEM, Eichsfeldische Kirchengesch. (Gottingen, 1816), passim; DUVAL, Das Eichsfeld (Sondershausen, 1845), 19-120; STURZER, Reifenstein im Eichsfelde in Cistercienser-Chronik, VII (Bregenz, 1896), 1-10, 33-43, 65-74, 102-8; SCHNEIDERWIRTH, Das einstige Cistercienserkloster Reifenstein (Heiligenstadt, 1902); KNIEB, Gesch. der Reformation u. Gegenref. auf dem Eichsfelde (2nd ed., Heiligenstadt, 1909), passim.
KLEMENS LÖFFLER
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Contents |
[edit] Book 1
Yogurt is definately not delicious.
But Marshmellows are.
Did I spell Marshmellows right?
[edit] The Beginning
And in the beginning Mr. Roche created the world and the universe and everything in it. And then he invented drugs and made the color purple on a bet while he was stoned along with King Tay Tay.
And then he said, "Let there be bread."
Amen.
[edit] Chapter 1
1. And then Saint Silverman rose up and said that the people must deliver bread to the church. And the church was then used as a shed for the bread, and Silverman said, As the Lord said Let There Be Light I shall say Let There Be Bread and good Lord will fix your sink.
2. AND! As the good Lord made Eve as a wife for Adam from Adam's rib, I too will make a wife for the people and for myself. From the bread you give me I will make a wife for all of Eichsfeld, and she will be Tuula.
3. And then it was done that Saint Silverman created Tuula, and the people rejoiced, and all the sinks were fixed and there was no bread. But then the only one that Saint Silverman feared, Dr. Poebux, returned to claim his dominion. And Dr. Poebux defeated Tuula, and broke the town's sinks, and brought many of the weak of faith into his fold by giving them poebuxs.
4. And Poebux controlled the land and Saint Silverman was forced to hide. To hide himself he submerged himself in the Tinshen swimming pool and secured a circle of wood of no less than 6.7 meter radius above his head.
5. However, it came to be realized that the Tinshen swimming pool is only length thirty meter and width six meter, and the circle of wood of no less than 6.7 meter radius - not to be confused with a circle of wood of 6.6 meter radius - would not fit within the Tinshen swimming pool, for it was length thirty meter and width six meter. Thus Saint Silverman was forced to flee once more.
6. Finally Saint Silverman decided to fight the powerful Dr. Poebux himself. Silverman unleashed the deadly force of illogical grading and incomprehensible fizziks, only to see his efforts undone when Poebux unveiled the mightiest power ever unleashed, the LINEAR ADJUSTMENT (d@mmit! its not a curve).
7. The Linear Adjustment gave Saint Silverman no option but to run. He was forced to retreat to the northern fence of Jewtown, where he picked up his impeccable fashion sense, amazing taijutsu skills, and the ability to create matter from nothing.
8. When he was forced to flee further by the Gypsie armies, he ran into the desert. Then he ran in a marathon for fifteen days and twelve nights (he never stopped running, but things are illogical when Saint Silverman is concerned).
9. He came into the domain of a terrible and powerful demon known as Menos Puntos. Menos Puntos derived its powers from the opposite of the Grade Curve that Poebux used, and it murdered and ate small children to further fuel its power.
10. Looking on the power and evil of Menos Puntos, he readied himself, and shouted, "!Es la policia! ¡CORRE CORRE CORRE!" and ran.
11. And he ran for another twenty days and one night (again, without stopping) and arrived at Brooklyn Tech. A monk there told him the secrets to destroying Poebux and reclaiming his good town of Eichsfeld that there might be little bread and many fixed sinks. To destroy Poebux, he must gain divine powers. To gain audience with God and gain these powers, he would have to prove himself to the holy Oracle.
12. And thus he went to the Oracle, who said, "Well, I don't think its very HEALTHY to destroy Poebux, so have a cracker and some flat ginger ale. Oookayyy?? If you wish to gain audience with God, you must take the reegents exam. Oookayyy??"
13. Leaving her behind, he took the reegents exam. Finally, God appeared to him.
14. And God said, I am God. Those who do not believe that I am the almighty I will prove to you by eating M & Ms and tasting each color individually, except if i get chocolate on my tongue, then I can't do it. If you wear purple before me, I will annihilate you. I have created all life. You may address me as Mr. Roche, Holiest of Holies, Defender of the Research Lab, Teacher of Freshman Bio, Trainer of Chuck Norris, Creator of All the Beasts and Birds on Land and all of the Fishies of the Sea, King of the British Empire, Keeper of the Science Fair, and I beat All of Halo on Legendary Except for the Levels With The Purple Elites. F**K Them.
15. And Saint Silverman said, O Great and Merciful Lord, Holiest of Holies, Defender of the Research Lab, Teacher of Freshman Bio, Trainer of Chuck Norris, Creator of All the Beasts and Birds on Land and all of the Fishies of the Sea, King of the British Empire, Keeper of the Science Fair, and he who beat All of Halo on Legendary Except for the Levels With The Purple Elites. (and may they be F**Ked.), please grant me the power to destroy Poebux.
16. To this God shouted in incredulation, What? To destroy Poebux would require all of the energy in the Universe, and entropy means you can't. FIZZIKOWNED!!!!!!!
17. And then he vanished in a massive flash of every color except for purple.
[edit] Chapter 2
1. Saint Silverman now knew that to destroy Dr. Poebux he would need to reverse entropy. To do so, he would have to increase his powers greatly and gain the ability of Fizziks Haxz, as he could only manipulate the angle thater. And thus the wanderings and travels of Saint Silverman began.
2. And thus Saint Silverman wandered into a nondescript grassy patch of land, whereupon a towering beast suddenly appeared out of the air. And Saint Silverman did do battle with this monstrosity, and upon his victory he gained twenty-six thousand, four hundred and thirty-seven holy experience points. And it was good.
3. Is the Number of the Counting. And the Number of the Counting shall be 3.
4. He traveled past the lands of the Oracle. While numerous offers were made, he tactfully refused crackers, flat ginger ale, and medication that stops hearts. This was regarded as one of his better decisions.
It has been decreed that five is Right Out.
6. Saint Silverman then encountered the land of the endless lockers. The land was domined by a cult of Pagans, who displeased the Saint.
7. These Pagans spent all of their days not pondering the conundrums that were physics, or even chemistry, which Saint Silverman tolerated. These heathens instead engaged in primal, competitive activities, running to and fro, arguing, and overusing their sacred challenge: a joke on a mother-in-law.
8. Saint Silverman asked, "Why make a joke on a mother-in-law?" And then it was sexytime, and it was niice.
9. The heathens worshipped a hippopotamus-like demigoddess, whose name was lost in time. The heathens devoted themselves to pleasing her. And the Saint saw they paid no heed to the Lord and he was angry.
10. And Saint Silverman rose up and said, "In the divine name of Mr. Roche, Holiest of Holies, Defender of the Research Lab, Teacher of Freshman Bio, Creator of Mr. T, Trainer of Chuck Norris, Creator of All the Beasts and Birds on Land and all of the Fishies of the Sea, King of the British Empire, Keeper of the Science Fair, and he who beat All of Halo on Legendary Except for the Levels With The Purple Elites. (and may they be F**Ked), you will cease to worship this demigoddess, and will devote yourselfs to the glory of the Lord"
11. And the heathens disregarded Saint Silverman, and he resolved upon himself to conquer the heathens, for as the Lord once said, it is best to conquer heathens, especially if they are pagans. And it was good.
12. Saint Silverman saw that heathens rallied together, and he unleashed Illogical Grading and Incomprehensible Fizzix upon them, and their army was destroyed. And it was good.
13. And then a courier arrived, with news that a faraway battle against the Philies had been won by the Mets, and Saint Silverman rejoiced.
14. And thusly the Saint went to a table with three Fizzix Fans and one who was not, and discussed the Mets at length with the member of this table who was not a Fizzix Fan.
15. And many high scores in Tetris were achieved, and the people rejoiced.
[edit] Chapter 3
1. And Saint Silverman saw that his people needed laws from Mr. Roche to guide their lives
2. And Saint Silverman set out on an epic quest to go into the Land of Mordor and to toss jewelry into a volcano that he might receive these laws.
3. It is well documented that one does not simply walk into Mordor.
4. Saint Silverman proceeded to waltz into Mordor, and he was thus granted holy laws to guide his people.
5. The laws are as follows.
- Thou shalt not make lists, unless the lists have been declared holy by Saint Silverman or his disciples. Lists about boys are explicitly forbidden.
- Thou shalt get Saint Silverman some bread, bitch.
- Thou shalt not fix thine own sink, but fix your neighbor's sink and ask him for bread.
- Thou shalt not speak to thine wife on a cellphone while teaching Fizzix.
- Conversely, -slurp- thou shalt not call thine husband while he is teaching Fizzix, for he shalt -slurp- hang up on you.
- If a girl's car should fail to start, thou shalt repair their car battery. Then, thou shalt receive a date. ...And more...
- Thou shalt not interrupt those who are writing the Holy Gospel by telling them to put the computers back because the period is ending.
- Thou shalt not put any Fizzix teachers above me.
- Thou shalt not play Tetris and be discovered in Fizzix.
- Thou shalt not sleep in Fizzix class, for sleepin' is fa home.
- Thou shalt recieve the real shi-... the real stuff!
- Thou shalt not practice cookbook Fizzix, for it is not the real shi-... the real stuff, which thou needst greatly
- Thou shalt not declare college majors which require large amounts of books. Fizzix requires only 2 lil' books! That's for thou!
- Thou shalt accept thine exam with thine divine drop of drool with dignity and respect.
- Thou shalt not lick thine divine drop of drool.
- Thou shalt not use standard measurements, for they be the tools of the evil Dr. Poebux.
- Thou shalt offer bags of grass to thine students, so long as it be REAL GRASS!!
- Thou shalt not allow girly-looking stoners to smoke thine REAL GRASS!!
- Thou shalt not push Joe Sap to the breaking point, or thou shalt incur his expletive-ridden wrath
[edit] Chapter 4
Ethan the messiah?
[edit] The Book of Hymns
1. And so Saint Silverman was sent on another quest. The philosophical and often disoriented King Tay-Tay demanded that Saint Silverman buy him a "Stairway to Heaven".
2. Said the tired king, who now had the munchies, "There be a lady who's sure, all thine gliters beeth gold. And she is buying a stairway to heaven."
3. Sayeth the woman-resembling monarch, "There beeth a sign on the wall. But thou wanteth to be sure. for thou knoweht sometimes words have two meanings".
4. So Saint Silverman ran for twenty days and one night (logic still has no hold on Saint Silverman) until he arrived at the place where the sign is on the wall. The rather robotic king provided Silverman with information, so when he arrived, he knew that despite the stores were closed, with a word (that word being analoguys), he could receive what he came for.
5. Unfortunately, it seemed as though whoever was supposed to sell Silverman the effeminate king's stairway had gone out to lunch. So Silverman passed the time by reading the sign on the wall which read:
6. In a tree by the brook There's a songbird who sings, "Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven".
7. And it made him wonder.
8. And it made him wonder.
9. While he was wondering, Silverman looked to the West. And he got a feeling that his spirit was crying for leaving. Either that, or the burrito he had for lunch was coming back to haunt him.
10. Then, in his thoughts, Silverman saw rings of smoke through the trees. He thought to himself: "Queen, i mean KING Tay-Tay must be ova ther in them trees!"
11. And the voices of those who stand looking came into his ear at about 10^3dB. They did not appear change in volume, because they were resonating from a stationary source.
12. And it made Silverman wonder.
13. And it really made him wonder.
14. And it was whispered that soon, if all present called a tune, that the piper would lead them to reason. Silverman then refused to call a tune, because reason is closely related to logic, which has no hold on Saint Silverman.
15. And then a new day dawned, for those who stood long. Like Saint Silverman, he had been standing there, waiting over half a day for the man with the stairway to return.
16. And then the forest echoed with laughter, due to the sound waves colliding with the trees and bushes and rocks and bouncing off of them into other directions.
17. Then there was a bustle in a hedgerow. but Saint Silverman was not alarmed, for he knew that it was just a spring clean for the May Queen.
Oh here's to my sweet Satan. The one whose little path would make me sad, whose power is Satan. He will give those with him 666. There was a little tool shed where he made us suffer, sad Satan. .71
18. Then Silverman came upon two paths. It was apparent that one could go back. It was decided by Silverman that in the long run, there's still time to change the road you are on.
19. And yet, despite knowing this, it made Silverman wonder. He wondered if he had been given the ever elusive ring slip by this mighty of all mighty forces.
20. Silverman's head began to hum, much like a tuning fork in perfect phase with a piano.
21. And in case Silverman did not know, he was informed that the Piper was calling Silverman to join him.
22. Silverman then heard the wind blow. He then realized that the man who was to sell him a stairway had dropped it, and upon collision with the ground, it became dust. The stairway now lay on the whispering wind, to which Silverman exclaimed "SHI-.. STUFF!"
23. And it is said that for the next 48 seconds, Jimmy Page descended from the heavens and proceeded to shit on every guitarist to ever touch a pick before disappearing as quick as he appeared in a flash of golden light.
24. Silverman then provided to wind on down the road, and while he was winding, he noticed that, due to the angle at which the sun's light rays were colliding with him, his shadow was taller than his soul.
25. And ahead in the road, he saw the lady who previously successfully purchased a stairway to heaven. He ran for twenty days and one night to catch up with her, and upon arriving, he discovered that it was in fact, Tuula.
26. Tuula then proceeded to shine white light and showed Silverman how, through the "cookbook" science of Alchemy, everything still turns to gold.
27. Once Silverman got over his disbelief that Tuula would use cookbook alchemy, she showed him that if one were to listen very hard, the tune (which sounded somewhat like the song Girls by the Beastie Boys) would come to you at last. Saint Silverman listened EXTREMELY hard, because the tune had an intensity of 10^-1000dB. But he eventually heard it. And it was good.
28. and Robert Plant said, for no reason in particular: "When all are one and one is all, To be a rock, and not roll."
29. And Saint Silverman bought the maiden cyborg King Tay-Tay a stairway to heaven from Tuula.
The Word of the Lord. Praise be to You, Our Lord and Savior Mr. Roche.
-Preacher and Writer of the Holy Gospel, Dan Mane
-Jake da Snake, AKA Snake, the Numerator.
-Joe Sap the Silvermantologist, Ledzeppelintoligist), Bloonsologist, Keeper of the Divine Drop of Drool, Knower of All Things Perverse, Sayer of All Things Perverse, Corrupter of All Those Too Innocent for Thine Own Age, Obtainer of female Silvermantologists, REVIVER OF THE GOSPEL, Leader of La Resistance, Stager of Bloody Coups, non-idolitor of the false god ethan, and occasional gardener
-Tim Weeks, Master of Puppets, Chronic Master Debator, BBS Prophet, non-idolitor of the false god ethan
-Max Blodgett, Professor of Rabbinic Studies (for those who speak English: Jew)
-Some Random Pelican Bird that has Ebola.
-Owen Wilson, the actor!
